Episode 8: Crystal Healing Part 1 - Healie Feelies

In their new series, Dylan and Brent lay the groundwork for a masterclass on crystal healing. Explore the spiritual supermarket of overpriced mineral ointments, glittering mountains, jake sticks, and crystal healing kits.

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Crystals were worn as jewelry such as amulets in antiquity, some as old as 30,000 years ago. Malachite mines have been discovered in Sinai dating back to 4000 BC. Crystals were first used for their magical formulas in the time of the ancient Sumerians. 

Ancient Egyptians buried their dead with quartz on the foreheads. The belief was that the quartz would help guide the dead safely to their afterlife destination. Ancient Egyptians wore crystal crowns to denote enlightenment and stimulate their “3rd eye”, some wore crystals over their hearts to foster love, and Egyptian dancers wore rubies in their navels to enhance sexual appeal. 

In Roman society amulets and talismans of crystals were often worn to protect their health, providing protection into battle, and attracting things that would be considered desirable. 

Crystal-tipped needles were used in acupuncture for healing in ancient Chinese culture.

In ancient Greece crushed hematite was smeared over a soldier’s body before entering battle as it was thought to make them invincible. 

The word “crystal” is thought to derive from the Greek word “krustullos” which meant “ice”. Until 1500s many ancient cultures believed that stones such as clear quartz crystals were actually eternal ice that was frozen in the heaven and fell to earth. 

In India crystals were also valued for their healing powers. In the Hindu text, Vedas it references each stones specific healing abilities. 

In Ancient Japanese cultures scrying was a common practice. Which is basically like looking into a crystal ball. 

During the Renaissance crystal healing was still accepted practice but many in the sciences wanted to find out the process behind this. 

With the Age of Enlightenment the practice of crystal healing fell out of favor for the most part in Europe. 

The Modern Crystal Healing Renaissance

But enter the Idiocracy Renaissance in the 1980s. This is when the New Age movement really got going and started using crystal healing practices again. Borrowing from some ancient ideas of chakras and auras. 

Modern crystal mania started in the 70’s and 80’s, and a 1986 NYT article highlighted the 80s crystal bubble: A chunk of quartz which was previously worth $1 increased to $10 or $12,

‘’It’s hot stuff,’’ Dr. George E. Harlow, curator of gems and minerals at the American Museum of Natural History, told the paper. “The healie feelies are making for a great market in quartz, and mineral dealers are having a hard time keeping quartz crystals in stock.’’

The current craze is mostly found online, especially Etsy. Allure, Nylon, and Vogue magazine have promoted,

$58 frequency-raising mists infused with moonstone, rose quartz, and amethyst, $44 tourmaline-charged hydrating cremes, and emerald-gemstone face oils just shy of $90, which are designed to stimulate the heart chakra (while conveniently fighting acne)

Today, shopping has become its own spiritual practice, according to Matthew Hedstrom, an associate professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. As younger generations increasingly identify with multiple faiths, “Religion becomes another one of those things you consume because you find it enjoyable or useful in some way, rather than feeling like religion is something you help make,” Hedstrom says. He notes that, in an organized religious community, “Everybody has to show up every week.”

That isn’t too far off, though: a 2014 study refered to a “spiritual supermarket” replacing old time religion.Basically, we can pick and choose the bits of all the religions we like, smush them together with the kinds of stuff we like to buy, and BOOM: spirituality.

This is also tied into the “individualism” of Generation ME (ie millenials ie us). We don’t like hanging out with people so we DEFINTELY aren’t going to church. But we’re still spiritual: after all, “More than 40 percent [of millenials] “feel a deep sense of wonder about the universe at least once a week,” according to Pew.

Madeliene Thomas’s article begins with Jessie Oatman, who suffered a broken heart at 34 which was healed by applying rose quartz to her heart chakra. Even though she has since remaried, the rose quartz is still her favorite.

Oatman isn’t the only one getting in the mix; 20 and 30 something are going mad for the rocks. According to “trend forecaster” Lucie Greene, “Brands are “repackaging the cues of mysticism and gems, connecting them to well-being products for a hip Millennial audience,”

Kylie Jenner got 794,000 likes for a photo of a crystal larger than her FEET. The psychic services industry has grown to a $2 billion business by 2015. The House of Intuition, a metaphysical shop in LA that opened in 2010, has doubled it’s revenue every year since.

How crystals actually work:

With all this talk about crystals and their healing powers let’s take a step back and look at what a crystal actually is. The science. 

Brent dusted off his Geology 101 textbook (Essential Geology 3rd edition by Stephen Marshak) and found this definition for a crystal, 

A single continuous piece of a mineral bounded by flat surfaces that formed naturally as the mineral grew.

Crystals are highly ordered microscopic structures which consist of lattice structures which extend in multiple directions. Crystals have internal patterns of atoms, they lock in new atoms in repeating patterns to create various shapes. The internal arrangement of the atoms determines the physical and chemical properties of the mineral. This includes color. 

Crystallography is the scientific study of crystals and crystal formations. The growth of crystals is called crystallization or solidification. The growth of crystals is caused by various factors such as chemical compositions, pressure, and temperature. 

Crystals are most commonly identified by their shape. Euhedral crystals are those with well-formed obvious flat faces. Anhedral crystals have no well-formed crystal faces or cross-section shape in thin section. (Thin section just means very thin slices of minerals or rocks that geologists study under microscopes to look for various properties.) 

How do crystals form? There are several different ways crystals form. Metamorphic and magmatic processes create large masses of crystalline rock. Igneous rocks are formed from molten magma, as it solidifies crystals grow and the degree to which these crystals grow varies. Granite, for example, cools very slowly under massive amounts of pressure which causes it to completely crystallize. The magma that escapes and cools quickly forms more glassy matter such as obsidian. 

Some rocks start as limestone, sandstone, or shale and under vasts amounts of pressure and heat have had their internal original structures erased and recrystallize to form metamorphic rocks such as mica-schists, quartzites, and marbles. Other crystals have formed out of the precipitation from fluids, most commonly water, to form druses or quartz veins. Some evaporites such as gypsum and halite have been deposited from an aqueous solution due to arid climates. 

In Bren’ts Geology 101 class as well as my Mineralogy class for the lab tests they would sit down with a mineral or rock in front of them. They had a few minutes to look examine the mineral or rock and apply all the knowledge they had learned throughout the semester to try to identify it. There were nails for scratching to place it on the Moh’s hardness scale. They had hand lens to examine the crystal faces. They would examine the color (which could be deceptive), grain size, foliation, texture, etc.

When they worked in the field we would take hand lens with us and examine the rock. In my igneous/metamorphic petrology class we examined volcanic rocks looking at the crystal faces under hand lens.

Crystal Healing

The standard method for healing your body with crystals starts with colors and chakras. You have seven chakra points on your body, each associated with a different color. If you have a problem with some part of your body, you just have to put a crystal of the appropriate color on that part. Piece of cake. So, you have a headache? Well your head chakra is purple, so you just need to put a purple stone on your head! Problems in the bedroom? Your root chakra is red, so just put a ruby down your pants!

Holding crystals or placing them on your body is thought to promote physical, emotional and spiritual healing. Crystals supposedly do this by positively interacting with your body’s energy field, or chakra. While some crystals are said to alleviate stress, others purportedly improve concentration or creativity.


According to the Colleen Morgan of healingcrystals.net, crystals not only helped heal their mind, body, and spirit, but also manage their auto immune diseases! She had RSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia, and a brain injury FROM GETTING HIT BY A CAR!

The website provides evidence that someone is healed in the form of a woman riding a horse WITH A BIKE HELMET on. Maybe they are more helpful in the body and spirit front and less on the mind front? But there is also a picture of her hugging a 250 year old tree, so crystals also help you hug! But it’s not ALL crystals; she also opts for a paleo diet, but without the red meat and “nightshade vegetables”.

What’s most annoying about this badly written sales pitch is that she does have a point about doctors receiving cash incentives to prescribe pain meds. That shit turns people to alternative therapy!

The Morgan Family as a whole offers info on the business; strangely enough, it is more well written. Their claim to fame is a trademarked crystal called “Azeztulite”. A crystal with “high vibrational energy” useful for healing, meditation, relaxation, and destressing. What is it? Certainly not just quartz. It is quartz and has the same physical properties as quartz, but it IS NOT JUST QUARTZ. It originated with “star people” called the Azez. And it comes from the “faraway mineral mine” in . .. North Carolina.


The first sentence of their book somes it all up: 

Crystal are a tool for natural healing which can be health practitioners to accelerate their own methods.

Your body is energy, disease is energy out of whack, crystals dewhackify your energy. Simple as that. More specifically, 

the body is a series of synchronous, oscillating, solid and liquid crystal systems.

Unforunately we haven’t always had quantitive proof of the effectiveness of crystal healing. After all, 

Equipment to measure the subtle life force energies were often not available, usually because they did not exist.

The REAL problem is that we don’t have the equipment to pick up these super subtle energies. Hardon Collider? Dark Energy sensors? BULLSHIT! We need the REAL energy detectors! But all was not lost: 

If the energy could not be measured, the effect it had on the human body could be. Therefore, this inductive means of study became our laboratory. Unconventional devices such as dowsing rods were used to measure the expansion or contraction of the body’s energy field. An acupuncture meridian measurement device was used to measure the conductivity of the meridian points on the body. Energy changes were recorded through the process of high energy physics photography, sometimes called Krilian photography. Even blood platelet changes were photographed under a microscope after a crystal healing.

What we do have are “clinical trials” and “experimental verification”... which satisfy those working in the field of crystal healing. Well, that’s good at least.

The first step to working with crystals is CLEARING them. Clearing is changing negative emotions to positive emotions. Anyone with a bad vibe who holds a crystal will impart those bad vibes on the crystal itself. Can’t heal yourself with a crystal full of bad vibes! So what you gotta do is hold the crystal and recite the “Light Invocation” three times:

I invoke the Light of the God within. I am a clear and perfect channel. Light is my guide.

And that’s it! Negative vibes be gone!

But you're a skeptical chap; how on earth can you PROVE that reciting this sentence actually works! You want HARD. EVIDENCE. Well, the IRM has you covered. Get a friend to recite the invocation while holding a crystal. Before AND after, record his or her energy levels with a dowsing rod. Confused? Don’t worry, there is a Research Methods section at the end to help you with this. See: this is SCIENCE.

But we also have to CLEANSE our crystals. This will only reduce negative emotions so they don’t effect you. OF COURSE there is no reason to do this if you can clear a crystal instead. No indiciation given for why you couldn’t just clear a crystal but whatever. 

So what kind of badass invocation is going to help us with this? Uh, actually it’s just salt. Submerge the crystal in dry salt or a saline solution for a day. That’s it.

Crystal Kit

Now that your crystals are cleansed or cleared, you can put away the dowsing rod and salt rocks and assemble your CRYSTAL KIT. You need a crystal pendant situated near your heart chakra to stimulate your thymus into regulating your immune system. Laser clear crystals for “intensive healing, energy amplification, psychic surgery [!], Negativity cleansing, and balancing.”

Pyramids: the kind NOT built by aliens

Crystal pyramids offer, 

Concentrated Amplified Energy-transmission” for the “Home, Office, Factory, Pooja (worship), and Business Place

These pyramids clear negativity “of any kind” and offer “permanent positive energy” for business growth, prosperity, relationship peace, and harmony.


For Abundant Energy Flow & Fastest Recovery Confidence, Creativity & Energy. Physical, Mental & Emotional Balancing. Protection from Evil effects and Negativity.

Crystal ball and eggs

Used for seeing the future duh. But they do more! You can keep them in your pocket or purse for “personal power and protection”


The “godly form” of a crystal idol makes them more powerful.


I can’t figure out what the first thing is. A quick google search shows a 3D thing that looks kinda like a temple? And having coin-shaped crystals will of course bring you money, although I don’t know why you wouldn’t opt for bill-shaped or gold-bar shaped crystals to be more efficient. 

Surya (solar) power [crystals?] 

The only thing I could find about this were solar panels and surya crystal gas burners? So at least you can cook a mean veggie burger with one of these.


Useful for “distance healing energy”. But what does it mean! It sounds terrifying! It’s just a piece of quartz that’s pointy on both ends. Impressive.

And a pendulum for dowsing

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