This episode covers chapters 12-22 of the Book of Revelation from the New Testament. John encounters the Dragon and two Beasts, the pouring of the seven bowls, and finally a peek at New Jerusalem.
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A woman comes down from heaven. She is clothed in the sun with the moon under her feet and a crown of 12 stars. She’s also pregnant and ready to go.
In verse 3 another “wonder in heaven” appeared and this time it was a dragon! He had seven heads, ten horns, and seven jeweled crowns. His tail swept down a third of the stars. He put himself right next to the woman like some evil OB/GYN to eat the baby as soon as it pops out.
She gives birth to “a male child to rule all with an iron rod. her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne.” So while the dragon is instagraming the baby (#babyfood), God snatches him up to heaven. The woman runs into the wilderness to hang out for 3.5 years.
This leads to a war: Michael and his angels versus the dragon and his angels. The dragon, who is DEVIL and SATAN, loses. They are cast out of heaven like Satan and his angels were as there is no room in heaven for them.
And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down which accused them before our God day and night.
So once the dragon realized he was cast down to the earth he,
persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child. And to the woman was given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time.
The dragon spews water out of his mouth to get her. Apparently the earth is going to help the woman by opening her mouth and “swallowing up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth.” Losing against God and then the woman, he decides to kick the ass of some annoying Christians.
First, the Dragon heads for the seashore. A Beast rises out of the sea! It has the same setup as the dragon: seven heads, ten horns, ten jeweled crowns on the horns. On its heads were blasphemous names. The beast has a body like a leopard, feet like a bear, and a mouth like a lion.
The dragon gave it its authority. It looked like one of its heads received a mortal wound, but it was healed! The people, recognizing how badass the beast was, decided to worship it and the dragon. It doesn’t end well. The beast utters haughty and blasphemous words. The beast conquers everybody.
Now we got a second beast, an earth beast! It has two horns like a lamb and spoke like a dragon. It gets its authority from the 1st beast. Beast 2 makes everyone worship Beast 1. Beast 2 makes fire come from the sky to show he means business and makes an image of Beast 1 which can speak and kill nonbelievers!
Now we get the MARK OF THE BEAST! No one can buy or sell without it.
And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads.
Here is wisdom Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man : and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
Right off the bat we’re talking about a lamb standing on mountains accompanied by some extremely specific number of people (144,000) with seals on their foreheads.
John hears another voice from heaven. This time it doesn’t sound like a brass instrument or a dragon but water running as well as thunder.
and I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps.
They started singing a new song in around the throne and before those other 4 beasts and the 24 elders. So these 144,000 Jehovah Witnesses that were “redeemed form the earth” were the only ones that could sing this bad ass new song.
“These are they which were not defiled with women, for they are virgins.” These 144,000 virgins had “no guile” in their mouths.
And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to preach unto them that dwell on the earth, and to every nation, and kindred and tongue, and people.
This annoying angel screams out with his tiny little angel voice,
Fear God, and give glory to him; for the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made heaven, and earth, and the sea, and the fountains of waters.
Angel 2 talks about Babylon the great and how people are drinking the wine of the wrath of her fornication. ANOTHER angel (#3) says beast worshippers will burn forever. The smoke from their continually burning bodies rises up forever and ever, they have no relief from the torment.
Jesus shows up in a cloud with a fucking sickle like a bad ass!
the one who sat on the cloud swung his sickle over the earth, and the earth was reaped.
Of course, Jesus can’t just come without some angel yelling about what is happening while it is actually happening.
And another angel came out of the temple, crying with a loud voice to him that sat on the cloud, Trust in thy sickle and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap: for the harvest of the earth is ripe.
Angel 4 came out of the temple has a sickle too. Angel 5 from the altar has authority over fire for some reason. So this fire-controlling angel was basically just another announcer angel that controlled fire on the side. He’s also Angel 4’s boss. Tells him to get all the grapes. He was there to yell out to the other angel previously to go ahead and use that sharp sickle. There is so much reaping going on I’m losing track on who’s reaping at this point. It’s very confusing to me.
So the angel swung his sickle over the earth and gathered the vintage of the earth, and he threw it into the great winepress of the wrath of God.
This last verse is the most metal verse in the Bible,
And the winepress was trodden without the city, and BLOOD came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs.”
Seven Angels and Seven Plagues. Finally the 3rd Woe is almost over. John sees another sign in heaven “great and marvelous”. 7 angels having the 7 “last plagues” filled with the wrath of God.
Apparently, at some point the beast and his image were conquered because all the folks who conquered them are hanging around a sea of glass with harps singing about what God is up to. Seven more angels, wearing bright linen with gold sashes, are given seven bowls by one of the creatures. Seven seals, seven trumpets, and now, SEVEN BOWLS! Filled with the wrath of god. Hope it came from the wine press.
In the concluding verse the temple was filled up with smoke from the glory of God so no one could enter until the 7 plagues of the 7 angels were fulfilled.
John hears a voice saying to these 7 angels to go out and pour their vials onto the earth.
Foul and painful sores on the beastophiles
Water turns into blood. All sea life dies.
Apparently a whole separate bowl is needed to turn the rivers and seas into blood. Then some angels praises god about blood or something.
Poured on the sun! Burns people up. People somehow are STILL defiant towards God and blaspheme him even though he is literally making the sun scorch their asses. I’m just picturing Michael Shermer being like, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Sorry this isn’t quite extraordinary enough!
Poured on the throne of the beast and plunged the earth into darkness. These jerks for some reason gnashed on their tongues. Why would darkness make you do that? Also the 5th angel has to feel inadequate because the people are still cursing gods because of the sores. Darkness ain’t good enough!
Poured on Euphrates, which dries up. This prepared the way for the Kings from the east. Three frog spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon and Beast 1 and Beast 2 (the false prophet). These frog demons get all the kings of the earth and bring them to Harmageddon for the final battle. (The mountain of Meggido). So these dirty-frog-devil-spirits go around working miracles and gathering kings and EXTREME-skeptics for the big finale battle against God.
Behold, I come as a thief, Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame.
Poured in the air, causing lighting, thunder, earthquakes, the usual.
and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.”
The Great City (Babylon) split in three. Cities of the nations fell.
and great Babylon came in remembrance before God, to give unto her the cup of the wine of the fierceness of his wrath.
All the islands fled away and no one could find any of the mountains. Plus folks had to deal with 100 pound hailstones!
One of the bowl angels gives John a sneak peek at what happens to the Whore of Babylon. Apparently, all the kings are banging her and everyone is drinking her wine.
I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast that was full of blasphemous names, and it had seven heads and ten horns. The woman was clothed in purple and scarlet, and adorned with gold and jewels and pearls, holding in her hand a golden cup full of abominations and the impurities of her fornication; and on her forehead was written a name, a mystery: “Babylon the great, mother of whores and of earth’s abominations.” And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
Upon seeing the Whore of Babylon, John is, understandably, amazed, but the angel wonders why he is amazed! The Angel breaks down everything about this lady.
The Beast is from the bottomless pit. Seven heads are seven mountains AND seven kings. 5 have fallen, 1 is still around, and 1 is yet to come. The beast is an 8th but belongs to the 7th. 10 horns are 10 more kings waiting to become kings, but only for one hour! They’re going to go along with the beast and make war against God and lose, because of course they will IT’S GOD. Apparently the water that John saw where the “whore sitteth” represent people. The ten horns John saw on the beast will hate the whore (since horns have emotions) and “shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire.
Angel 6 comes down for his solo act,
And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great city fallen, is fallen and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.
Basically, Babylon sucks, it’s where all the demons live, everyone is all up in the Whore of Babylon. The angel goes on about how mankind has drank the “wine of the wrath of her fornication”. Obviously, the kings of the earth had sex with her, and “the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.”
Then another loud voice,
And I heard another voice from heaven, saying Come out of her my people that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues. For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities. How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously so much torment and sorrow give her; for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow.
In verse 8 we see her plagues come in one day – death and mourning, famine, and everything burned with fire.
And the merchants of the earth shall weep and mourn over her; for no man buyeth their merchandise any more.
These merchants were so upset about Babylon burning. They put dirt on their heads too so you know normal behavior.
In verse 21 another angel takes up a stone and just randomly throws it into the sea. He says see that stone and that splash? Yeah! Pretty scary huh? Well that’s just like how Babylon will be thrown down and found no more at all.
And the voice of the harpers, and musicians, and of pipers, and trumpeters, shall be heard no more at all in thee; and no craftsman, of whatsoever craft he be, shall be found any more in thee; and the sound of a millstone shall be heard no more at all in thee.
More singing about how God is going to kick the Whore’s ass. Everyone is super happy that damn whore is dead. The 24 elders and four beasts with inward eyeballs fell down to the ground and started worshiping God. John hears great voices of water and thunder praising God.
Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
The bride will be all in white. John is told again to WRITE: “Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb.” John fell down at Jesus’ feet to worship him in verse 10.
And then, a white horse named “Faithful and True”. It had eyes like flames and all sorts of crowns on his head. It was clothed in a robe dipped in blood and also called The Word of God, which is way cooler. Armies of God following on white horses with white linens. The rider rules with an iron rod. On his robe and his thigh, it says “King of Kings and Lord of Lords”
An angel then tells the birds to eat all the dead people that God’s armies are going to destroy. John sees the beast and his army of men ready to do battle with Jesus, his fabulous thigh tattoo and his heavenly white army.
And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet … and were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.
The Word of God kills everybody, and the birds eat their flesh. Gross
An angel comes down and locks the Dragon back in the bottomless pit for a thousand years. After that, “he must be let out for a little while”, like a dog?
The Elders were given authority to judge all the beheaded folks who didn’t get the mark, who are hanging out with heaven. These headless folks reigned for a 1000 years. All the other dead have to wait 1000 years before they come back to life. Satan will be released from the pit after 1000 years.
Satan comes back and comes to gather nations for war. He gathers Gog and Magog to go to battle “the number of whom is as the sand of the sea.” They don’t do very well, and the Dragon is thrown into the lake of fire too, never again to wage war.
And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God: and the books were opened; and another book was opened which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.
And the sea gave up the dead which were in it (Lynchian all day long!) and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works.
And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death.
And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.
New Jerusalem descends from heaven. The old heaven and earth are no more! John hears a voice say,
Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
God is going to wipe away tears and,
there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
In verse 5 God tells John to WRITE again that he makes all things new. God calls himself the “Alpha and Omega” and says He’s going to give people fountains of life. If you one of the good ones you can be God’s son. One of the bowl angels brings John to a mountain to see how cool NJ is. He carries John away “in the spirit” to a “great and high mountain” where he showed John that great city (“the holy Jerusalem”) “descending out of heaven from God”.
The city is bright like clear jaspers with the glory of God. New Jerusalem has “a wall great and high” and at the gates 12 angels that represent the 12 tribes of Israel. These angels were posted “on the east three gates: on the north three gates; on the south three gates; and on the west three gates.” The wall of the city had 12 foundations and in these foundations was the names of the 12 apostles.
The angel that was talking to John had a golden reed to measure the city, the gates, the wall,
The city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal.
The walls are 144 cubits, or 72 yards, high. The building material was jasper for the wall, the city was pure gold like unto clear glass. The fountains were garnished with all sorts of precious stones: “The first foundation was jasper; the second, sapphire; the third, a chalcedony; the fourth, an emerald.” The rest of the foundations (remember there are 12!): 5th foundation: sardonyx; 6th foundation: sardius; 7th foundation: chrysolyte; 8th foundation: beryl; 9th foundation: topaz; 10th foundation: chrysoprasus; 11th foundation: jacinth; 12th foundation: amethyst. “Every several gate was one pearl and the street of the city was pure gold as it were transparent glass.
There is no need for no fucking temple or tabernacle because the Lord and the Lamb are there. Also, there was no need for no sun or the moon to shine on it because God and the Lamb were bright enough to light New Jerusalem.
And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb’s book of life.
John is shown a “pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God, and of the Lamb”. On the side of the river, John sees the Tree of Life that bears twelve fruits. Apparently the nations need healing still because the leaves of this tree heals them. They’ll see his face and his name is in their foreheads. You don’t need candles or other lights because God is so bright.
Behold, I come quickly; blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book.
John reassures us that he really did see all this and he fell down and worshiped the angel that showed this to him. The angel says “I’m just your fellow servant don’t worship me! Worship God!” The angel tells John don’t you dare bottle this up but share with the world what you saw.
And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.
Come, and let him that heareth say, come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.
And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in the book.
He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so come Lord Jesus.